Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

First Confessional – Tim Reiff

I'm Only Gay if I like it, Right?

I'm Only Gay if I like it, Right?

Tim Reiff – Date Rape, Urr No?

My name is Tim Reiff and I have a heavy story that’s been on my chest for at least 2 years.  I haven’t shared what happened to me with anyone, not even those who are closest.  This event has caused me to seek therapy with a medical professional.

During my therapy sessions, Dr. Howard expressed that it would be very beneficial to arrive at a point of closure.  To get there, first I need to have identified with what happened.  Then I need to tell someone, and I decided to go with this blog.

Two summers ago I went out drinking from my friends.  I’m going to leave out the gory details but I woke up in a van.  And no,. Chris Farley Fans, it was not “down by the river”

This rusty Chevy van was parked downtown in the ramps.  Long story short, I woke up with a used rubber stuck between my ass cheeks.

I’m really not sure exactly what happened, but I will never drink “swamp water” again.  I did it, I went to the physical level of Man Love.  I know I’m not gay, but what was I thinking?

LGO Answer-

@ LGO we have been discussing doing a confessional category where we take submissions from our subscribers or views and post them here on the blog.  So if you have confessions, write them up and send them to us.

We’re not touching the confession up above Tim, Sorry.  We think you should keep your past between you and your therapist or man-rapist, whichever it is for you.

5 Sex Offender Treats For Halloween

When you think of “trick or treating” you don’t think about some mid 40’s creep playing with his junk while he gives candy to your kids.

I live across the street.  Happy Halloween!

I live across the street. Happy Halloween!

So how do you protect yourself?  First you need to know where they are.

There’s a site where (FOR FREE) you can look up all of the perverts in your hood.

Then you can use this list of fun things to do on Halloween to registered sex offenders.

First Find Them at: http://www.familywatchdog.us/

Then Try These:

FUN Things to do on Halloween to Registered Sex Offenders

#1.  Make a sign, post it in their yard, that tells everyone what you just found out: sexoffendersign

Putting this up (or making your own personalized version) is great on a holiday that gets so much outdoor traffic.  Other tips:

  • Sidewalk Chalk
  • Spray Paint
  • Post Supporting Signs (example: Sex Offender @ 123 St “large arrow pointing the the correct direction, posted on busy cross streets”)
  • Print Up and staple gun to area telephone poles
  • Visit at 2-3am and write your message with round up

#2 “The Sting”  Get a high powered stun gun (or other protective non-lethal or lethal weapon pepper spray, nightstick), a costume that hides your identity, or use your kids as bait (or not).   Knock, Knock (you know the rest, but we can’t say it)

#3 “The Phone Trick”  Look them up, Call their PO (or leave an anonymous tip with the police), tell a big lie.  Who are they going to believe?

#4 “Crossing Guard”  Dress up like a crossing guard and defend the house from the youngsters during your locally posted trick or treat times.  It helps if you have a shirt or sign that explains what you’re doing.

#5 “Sneaky Treats”  This is up to your imagination, but I promise to make another post full of sneaky treat ideas.

Do not do anything listed above unless you agree not to sue us.

Jared Leto’s Gayness Rating: 9.3 Out of 10

jared-leto-guy-gay

We got a lot of flak here at Laughng Gas Online for stepping on the non-gay heart and penis of your beloved Jared Leto, but come on, we kinda had to.

It’s like what all those people said about the lead singer of AFI, Davey Havok (love the guy) being gay, simply because he wore a ton of make-up (eye-liner, too, mind you), and didn’t eat meat.

That doesn’t make a dude a fruit-cake. Well, it might, but we’re not so easily jumping to conclusions. No, instead, we actually went a step further to uncover evidence as to why we initially joked over Leto’s sexuality.

Are we saying the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars is a straight-up homo? Not in the least. However, we’re are alluding to the fact that, despite his actual sexual orientation, he has more than enough “I’m totally gay” qualifications.

Read on for random, ill-prepared speculation:

He’s a rock star. Look at all of the flamboyant rock stars in our day, and tell me they aren’t totally gay. I’m not saying they pound dude’s where the sun don’t shine. Being gay means more than just doing “it”.

Look at David Lee Roth, David Bowie, Rod Stewart, the Backstreet Boys, and even N’Sync. Lance Bass, sit back down. While Bass is the only full-blown gay that we can be sure of, there have been countless rumors over the years that Bowie and Stewart had unusual sexual experience, and well, the boy bands speak for themselves.

As for David Lee Roth…well, he’s just a creepy mother fucker. When you do that many drugs, wear colorful spandex, and jump all around stage, you’re kind of screaming it, wouldn’t you say?

roth gay

Leto may not be to Roth’s level (yet), but we digress. Read on.

The hair. Oh, my God, the hair. I know rock stars have to go “all out” when it comes to their appearance, but Leto is in a league of his own. It’s either got a weird, flairy twist to it, or it has odd, emo colors. Exhibit A:

leto hair 2

This picture doesn’t render him totally gay. More emo, actually. And as much as I hate to admit it, that awesome lazy beard kinda saves him. But this next one, there is no excuse for:

leto hair 1

Totally gay. You really can’t get much gayer than that. Leto looks like Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago. Just look below:

catherine-zeta-jones

He said he was gay. He was joking, supposedly, but it was his own mouth that spawned the topic.

He promotes gay marriage. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” (Thank you, Seinfeld). And really, he’s just being cool, liberal dude. That’s the rock star in him expressing his views and trying to better the world through his power and celebrity status. Or he just wants to marry a dude. There’s always that inevitable or, isn’t there?

So there. Is Jared Leto gay? Probably not. But he damn sure fits the profile.

Official LGO Gayness Rating: 9.3 (Out of 10) Don’t ask how we computed that. You really don’t want to know.

Goat Molests Farmer, Not Sorry

goat

Come on, guys. I’m tellin’ ya, you got the wrong goat.

Yeah, I was feeding on Mr. Dudkins grass, but I wasn’t the one digging in his trousers the other night. I don’t rape. Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve never fooled around before, but I don’t force myself on anyone…or anything. Continue reading

Jared Leto: Gay-est of Non-Gays?

We regret to inform “All the Single Ladies” out there, but Jared Leto is gay. Like, really, really gay. He’s got his hair flared-up. He’s wearing sunglasses without the full tint, and he’s wearing leather. On a regular day, in the summer, he’s wearing leather. Come to think of it when is Leto not wearing leather?

jared leto gay

However, there still is no actual “proof” that Leto likes the cock as much as, say, Lindsay Lohan, Cameron Diaz, or even Tila Tequila (although he dated them all), but we’re on to him.

But why do we even begin to think this, you ask? Well, we answer that with another question: What’s gay-er than gay? I mean, short of naming your emo rock band 30 Seconds to Mars.

How about firing your band team management a month before you release your new album? With a tour in the work, Leto went balls-out into an “I’m the boss” tirade, citing artistical difference (he actually didn’t cite anything. we’re just saying that.), and complaining about the direction and focus of the CD.

I know, I know, we’re not actually talking about the whole gay thing. Well, before we just always thought he was a beautiful little actor who also jumped around in front of his playful, wrist-cutting band. But after being made aware of the fact that he once said he was “Gay as a goose”, we just had to take it one step further.

So, no, we don’t have any concrete evidence. But we get a feeling this guy will uncover the truth:

caruso

This was the last thing Leto had up his ass.

(Editor’s Note: We doubt Leto is actually gay. But it’s funny to ponder about it.)

Personal Ad #12683: Peter Galdon

armpit-woman

Hi there, I’m Peter. My friends call me Petey, Petite, Purple Pete, Sneaky Snake, and Pan. Cuz, you know, the fictional character. The one that never grows old. Short of the green tights and pointy hat, that’s me in a nutshell.

Well, I used to have tights. But I gave that up years ago. Look at me, rambling on. And I’m only permitted 3,000 words. I hate to bunch up my whole personality into one block of letters, but shoot, it’s so hard to meet young, fine-looking girls these days.

I usually have to go to a park, clamp my shades over my spectacles, stretch back, and let my hair do the talking. I let the whispies reel’em in. I get about one or two a day. They walk dogs, baby-sit kids, or even go for a jog.

Not me. I just sit and wait. Not like a pervert or anything. More like a young, strong Fabio waiting for his next vixen to conquer. Oh, well, I’ve said too much. But have I even said enough. Oh, there I go again, gettin’ all R.E.M. on you guys. Lets hope I don’t go “Losing My Religion” before we get the chance to sit down and talk.

Dinner’s on me, sweet pea. Waddya say?

Halo Cloud in Moscow Capturing Nation’s Attention

The only thing funnier than a good joke or someone getting kicked in the nuts is thousands of people searching through the  internet to find information on something that isn’t even real.

At least, that’s what scientists are saying. Here’s a video of the complete, utter bullshit:

We’re not against alien invasion, home invasion, or any kind of invasion here at LGO, but we are against shitty driving and even shittier camera holding.

Fuck these mindless bastards who try to document the ending of our time with such lack of focus and zero direction. It’s a damn good thing this Halo Cloud thing was just a bullshit story. Otherwise, I’d be hearing “the real thing” from a bunch of talent-less ass clowns. And we just can’t have that, now can we?