Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Stephen Colbert vs. Chuck Norris – Quick Breakdown

Round House

Chuck's Rooundhouse, Can Kill a Husky

Slow Down, I know what you’re thinking.  Chuck Norris with one quick round house kick would Texas Ranger Stephen in two seconds flat?  Maybe twenty years ago.

stephencolbertsuperhero

Stephen, With his sword of Truth

Now, Today, Stephen Colbert is a spry 45 years old and Chuck Norris is 65.

 

That’s a twenty year age difference and anyone who watches professional fighters knows that even a year or two can make or break someone’s chance of winning.

chuckvsbrucelee

Chest Hair, Ouch

Chuck Norris still stays in shape with his total gym, but it’s not like Stephen doesn’t work out as well.  Remember, lets look at Chuck’s record.  Sure, he’s had some wins?  Well, at least in the movies where he’s pretend beating up jokers.  In real life, Bruce Lee owned Chuck.

You say, “That was Bruce, and he’s bad ass in his own right”, but did you know about Chuck’s humiliating loses to Joe Lewis and Allen Steen?  Did you know about his loss to Louis Delgado. On November 24, 1968?

Chuck Norris Homless

It Would be Cool to Get RoundHoused By Chuck

Of course Chuck ended up avenging most of his losses and I’m a huge fan of his past accomplishments, but I have doubts that he could take Mr. Colbert.

DNEWS CHAFFETZ.CIT

Chaffetz Loses By Decision Against Colbert

Stephen is no stranger to physical contests.  Earlier this year he leg wrestled and beat one of his long time opponents.  Stephen has a huge gang of followers.  I’m not saying that Mr. Norris doesn’t have any fans, but has he ever been ordered to shave his head by the president?

stephencolbertsweetness

Sweetness

If You’re doubting that Stephen would have a chance, don’t forget about his .38 revolver “Sweetness” that Stephen carries on him at ALL Times.  If you read into Stephen’s past you’ll see that he’s had a hard life, and I’m not going to get into details because this is a comedy blog, that would be over the line.  We can argue a good case for Stephen, but who knows, Chuck might be able to take him?  I really don’t know.

tolietpapperofchucknorris

Toilet Paper of Chuck Norris

The Shizzolator’s Spinnn’ach

Shittn On'm, Okay?

Shittn On'm, Okay?

Snoop Dog

If you don’t know who Snoop D. O. “double” G is, then you either don’t like hip hop or you need to listen to more music, watch more movies or get more news.  The purpose of this post is to ponder the impact Gizz Lifted may or may not have played in the role of Mr. Shizzolator’s success to date.

The video example below should be seen as exhibit A or should I say X to the Z, A.

If you want to skip right to 3:25 for when Snoop comes in.  Otherwise, it’s always nice to listen to a classic.

He was sitting there, and if you know then you know.

I’m not sure what my point was here, but thanks for reading.

5 Sex Offender Treats For Halloween

When you think of “trick or treating” you don’t think about some mid 40’s creep playing with his junk while he gives candy to your kids.

I live across the street.  Happy Halloween!

I live across the street. Happy Halloween!

So how do you protect yourself?  First you need to know where they are.

There’s a site where (FOR FREE) you can look up all of the perverts in your hood.

Then you can use this list of fun things to do on Halloween to registered sex offenders.

First Find Them at: http://www.familywatchdog.us/

Then Try These:

FUN Things to do on Halloween to Registered Sex Offenders

#1.  Make a sign, post it in their yard, that tells everyone what you just found out: sexoffendersign

Putting this up (or making your own personalized version) is great on a holiday that gets so much outdoor traffic.  Other tips:

  • Sidewalk Chalk
  • Spray Paint
  • Post Supporting Signs (example: Sex Offender @ 123 St “large arrow pointing the the correct direction, posted on busy cross streets”)
  • Print Up and staple gun to area telephone poles
  • Visit at 2-3am and write your message with round up

#2 “The Sting”  Get a high powered stun gun (or other protective non-lethal or lethal weapon pepper spray, nightstick), a costume that hides your identity, or use your kids as bait (or not).   Knock, Knock (you know the rest, but we can’t say it)

#3 “The Phone Trick”  Look them up, Call their PO (or leave an anonymous tip with the police), tell a big lie.  Who are they going to believe?

#4 “Crossing Guard”  Dress up like a crossing guard and defend the house from the youngsters during your locally posted trick or treat times.  It helps if you have a shirt or sign that explains what you’re doing.

#5 “Sneaky Treats”  This is up to your imagination, but I promise to make another post full of sneaky treat ideas.

Do not do anything listed above unless you agree not to sue us.

Keanu Reeves Accused of Fathering Ontario Lady’s Kids

Keanu Reeves was in the news recently for apparently fathering several kids and not taking responsibility. An Ontario lady claimed they had slept together and she felt he was the father, but didn’t have the funds to get a paternity test. She was calling for a DNA test, as well as money, from the 45-year old Reeves.

Reeves was cleared eventually, as Reeves claimed to not even know who the lady was. He wasn’t available for comment. We did, however, manage to catch this photo of him coming out of his cave:

keanu reeves

Okay, so he didn’t come out of a cave. But dear God, man, shave or something. You’re fucking 45.

Former “Big Brother” Winner Adam Jasinski Arrested

Does this guy look like he’s capable of trying to sell illegal drugs?

Big_Brother_Adam

Why yes, yes he does.

Sad news for you Reality TV faithful. Another would-be superstar has crashed to rock bottom, as Adam Jasinski, former winner of the one and only winter edition of the popular reality series, “Big Brother”, was arrested for allegedly attempting to sell oxycodone.

Allegedly.

Attempting.

Oxycodone.

The stuff that makes news these days…

Jared Leto’s Gayness Rating: 9.3 Out of 10

jared-leto-guy-gay

We got a lot of flak here at Laughng Gas Online for stepping on the non-gay heart and penis of your beloved Jared Leto, but come on, we kinda had to.

It’s like what all those people said about the lead singer of AFI, Davey Havok (love the guy) being gay, simply because he wore a ton of make-up (eye-liner, too, mind you), and didn’t eat meat.

That doesn’t make a dude a fruit-cake. Well, it might, but we’re not so easily jumping to conclusions. No, instead, we actually went a step further to uncover evidence as to why we initially joked over Leto’s sexuality.

Are we saying the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars is a straight-up homo? Not in the least. However, we’re are alluding to the fact that, despite his actual sexual orientation, he has more than enough “I’m totally gay” qualifications.

Read on for random, ill-prepared speculation:

He’s a rock star. Look at all of the flamboyant rock stars in our day, and tell me they aren’t totally gay. I’m not saying they pound dude’s where the sun don’t shine. Being gay means more than just doing “it”.

Look at David Lee Roth, David Bowie, Rod Stewart, the Backstreet Boys, and even N’Sync. Lance Bass, sit back down. While Bass is the only full-blown gay that we can be sure of, there have been countless rumors over the years that Bowie and Stewart had unusual sexual experience, and well, the boy bands speak for themselves.

As for David Lee Roth…well, he’s just a creepy mother fucker. When you do that many drugs, wear colorful spandex, and jump all around stage, you’re kind of screaming it, wouldn’t you say?

roth gay

Leto may not be to Roth’s level (yet), but we digress. Read on.

The hair. Oh, my God, the hair. I know rock stars have to go “all out” when it comes to their appearance, but Leto is in a league of his own. It’s either got a weird, flairy twist to it, or it has odd, emo colors. Exhibit A:

leto hair 2

This picture doesn’t render him totally gay. More emo, actually. And as much as I hate to admit it, that awesome lazy beard kinda saves him. But this next one, there is no excuse for:

leto hair 1

Totally gay. You really can’t get much gayer than that. Leto looks like Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago. Just look below:

catherine-zeta-jones

He said he was gay. He was joking, supposedly, but it was his own mouth that spawned the topic.

He promotes gay marriage. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” (Thank you, Seinfeld). And really, he’s just being cool, liberal dude. That’s the rock star in him expressing his views and trying to better the world through his power and celebrity status. Or he just wants to marry a dude. There’s always that inevitable or, isn’t there?

So there. Is Jared Leto gay? Probably not. But he damn sure fits the profile.

Official LGO Gayness Rating: 9.3 (Out of 10) Don’t ask how we computed that. You really don’t want to know.

Goat Molests Farmer, Not Sorry

goat

Come on, guys. I’m tellin’ ya, you got the wrong goat.

Yeah, I was feeding on Mr. Dudkins grass, but I wasn’t the one digging in his trousers the other night. I don’t rape. Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve never fooled around before, but I don’t force myself on anyone…or anything. Continue reading