Posts Tagged ‘Chuck Norris’

Stephen Colbert vs. Chuck Norris – Quick Breakdown

Round House

Chuck's Rooundhouse, Can Kill a Husky

Slow Down, I know what you’re thinking.  Chuck Norris with one quick round house kick would Texas Ranger Stephen in two seconds flat?  Maybe twenty years ago.

stephencolbertsuperhero

Stephen, With his sword of Truth

Now, Today, Stephen Colbert is a spry 45 years old and Chuck Norris is 65.

 

That’s a twenty year age difference and anyone who watches professional fighters knows that even a year or two can make or break someone’s chance of winning.

chuckvsbrucelee

Chest Hair, Ouch

Chuck Norris still stays in shape with his total gym, but it’s not like Stephen doesn’t work out as well.  Remember, lets look at Chuck’s record.  Sure, he’s had some wins?  Well, at least in the movies where he’s pretend beating up jokers.  In real life, Bruce Lee owned Chuck.

You say, “That was Bruce, and he’s bad ass in his own right”, but did you know about Chuck’s humiliating loses to Joe Lewis and Allen Steen?  Did you know about his loss to Louis Delgado. On November 24, 1968?

Chuck Norris Homless

It Would be Cool to Get RoundHoused By Chuck

Of course Chuck ended up avenging most of his losses and I’m a huge fan of his past accomplishments, but I have doubts that he could take Mr. Colbert.

DNEWS CHAFFETZ.CIT

Chaffetz Loses By Decision Against Colbert

Stephen is no stranger to physical contests.  Earlier this year he leg wrestled and beat one of his long time opponents.  Stephen has a huge gang of followers.  I’m not saying that Mr. Norris doesn’t have any fans, but has he ever been ordered to shave his head by the president?

stephencolbertsweetness

Sweetness

If You’re doubting that Stephen would have a chance, don’t forget about his .38 revolver “Sweetness” that Stephen carries on him at ALL Times.  If you read into Stephen’s past you’ll see that he’s had a hard life, and I’m not going to get into details because this is a comedy blog, that would be over the line.  We can argue a good case for Stephen, but who knows, Chuck might be able to take him?  I really don’t know.

tolietpapperofchucknorris

Toilet Paper of Chuck Norris

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Thanks, Dick Cop

tool

(Above: I guess I’d pull a kid over that looks like this, too.)

I must have been rollin’ blunts.

Maybe I was throwin’ back a 40.

I could have been snortin’ a line.

Felatio? Nah.

I definitely wasn’t doing any of those things. And I might as well include “ten miles over the limit” as one of them.

Because that shit did not happen.

Stand-up police Officer Schmorganschlagen pulled my long-haired, toothpick, aviator glasses, absolute douche-look-ass over.

And it was because of nothing less than a nasty little thing I like to awkwardly initial DWA.

Motha fucka pulled me over for being awesome.

DWA=Driving While Awesome (if ya didn’t catch that)

The nerve.

But really, it went something like this:

Officer: (I’m a dick) You were going ten over. (Seriously, I’m a dick)

Me: No disrespect, but I disagree

Officer: (Did I mention I was a dick?) I clocked you. I know what I saw.

I deflate into a plush, yet warn down seat. Whatever. He’s a cop, and I’m just a shit head-cross between Chuck Norris and Mick Jagger.

You know, the aviators (no mustache, but I’m trying), the awesome karate skills (made that one up), and the reasonably thin arms.

Yeah, I looked like a tool.

I remember for the longest time, thinking nothing was cooler than those sunglasses, chewing on a toothpick for no true reason, and having sheep-dog hair.

So, while paying for a lame ticket that didn’t make any logical sense, whatsoever, sucked-I learned a valuable lesson. And that lesson, dear friends, doesn’t have a price.

And that lesson is to not be that guy. That could reasonably stand for both, the tool-looking dude who thinks he’s cooler than James Dean (which is pretty fuckin’ cool), or the dick-faced cop.

And while I referred to this cop as a dick throughout my story-telling, in the end, he wasn’t a dick at all. Well, he actually was, but his “being a dick” attitude is what led to me getting pulled over.

So, therefore, I thank you.

Thanks, Dick Cop