Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Stephen Colbert vs. Chuck Norris – Quick Breakdown

Round House

Chuck's Rooundhouse, Can Kill a Husky

Slow Down, I know what you’re thinking.  Chuck Norris with one quick round house kick would Texas Ranger Stephen in two seconds flat?  Maybe twenty years ago.

stephencolbertsuperhero

Stephen, With his sword of Truth

Now, Today, Stephen Colbert is a spry 45 years old and Chuck Norris is 65.

 

That’s a twenty year age difference and anyone who watches professional fighters knows that even a year or two can make or break someone’s chance of winning.

chuckvsbrucelee

Chest Hair, Ouch

Chuck Norris still stays in shape with his total gym, but it’s not like Stephen doesn’t work out as well.  Remember, lets look at Chuck’s record.  Sure, he’s had some wins?  Well, at least in the movies where he’s pretend beating up jokers.  In real life, Bruce Lee owned Chuck.

You say, “That was Bruce, and he’s bad ass in his own right”, but did you know about Chuck’s humiliating loses to Joe Lewis and Allen Steen?  Did you know about his loss to Louis Delgado. On November 24, 1968?

Chuck Norris Homless

It Would be Cool to Get RoundHoused By Chuck

Of course Chuck ended up avenging most of his losses and I’m a huge fan of his past accomplishments, but I have doubts that he could take Mr. Colbert.

DNEWS CHAFFETZ.CIT

Chaffetz Loses By Decision Against Colbert

Stephen is no stranger to physical contests.  Earlier this year he leg wrestled and beat one of his long time opponents.  Stephen has a huge gang of followers.  I’m not saying that Mr. Norris doesn’t have any fans, but has he ever been ordered to shave his head by the president?

stephencolbertsweetness

Sweetness

If You’re doubting that Stephen would have a chance, don’t forget about his .38 revolver “Sweetness” that Stephen carries on him at ALL Times.  If you read into Stephen’s past you’ll see that he’s had a hard life, and I’m not going to get into details because this is a comedy blog, that would be over the line.  We can argue a good case for Stephen, but who knows, Chuck might be able to take him?  I really don’t know.

tolietpapperofchucknorris

Toilet Paper of Chuck Norris

Ever Use Bushism to Your Advantage?

Tasty Evil Doer

Tasty Evil Doer

We’re not saying that the former president eats kittens or anything weird like that.  What we are saying is that during his 8 years in office he has participated in some strange and unusual activities, let’s focus on some of his quotes.

Crazy George Bush Quotes aka “Bushisms”

where to start?

“I’ve abandoned free market principles to save the free market system.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

“I didn’t grow up in the ocean — as a matter of fact — near the ocean — I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I’m fishing.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2008

“We’ve got a lot of relations with countries in our neighborhood.” –George W. Bush, Kranj, Slovenia, June 10, 2008

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008
Here’s one that you can use anytime you accept a promotion.

“So long as I’m the president, my measure of success is victory — and success.” –George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008

You can find more “bushisms” at: http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm


New Gayness Test Under Development

There are some new studies being conducted in China, of all places, on how genetics effect the way the brain responds.

Basically, you can ask someone just a few questions, and based off of their answers (comparing with results from thousands of others) you can determine their sexual preferences.  We don’t have access to the actual question/survey but we’ve developed on internally.  Fill it out below. Let’s have some fun.

What’s Your “Gay Score”?

First Confessional – Tim Reiff

I'm Only Gay if I like it, Right?

I'm Only Gay if I like it, Right?

Tim Reiff – Date Rape, Urr No?

My name is Tim Reiff and I have a heavy story that’s been on my chest for at least 2 years.  I haven’t shared what happened to me with anyone, not even those who are closest.  This event has caused me to seek therapy with a medical professional.

During my therapy sessions, Dr. Howard expressed that it would be very beneficial to arrive at a point of closure.  To get there, first I need to have identified with what happened.  Then I need to tell someone, and I decided to go with this blog.

Two summers ago I went out drinking from my friends.  I’m going to leave out the gory details but I woke up in a van.  And no,. Chris Farley Fans, it was not “down by the river”

This rusty Chevy van was parked downtown in the ramps.  Long story short, I woke up with a used rubber stuck between my ass cheeks.

I’m really not sure exactly what happened, but I will never drink “swamp water” again.  I did it, I went to the physical level of Man Love.  I know I’m not gay, but what was I thinking?

LGO Answer-

@ LGO we have been discussing doing a confessional category where we take submissions from our subscribers or views and post them here on the blog.  So if you have confessions, write them up and send them to us.

We’re not touching the confession up above Tim, Sorry.  We think you should keep your past between you and your therapist or man-rapist, whichever it is for you.

Jared Leto’s Gayness Rating: 9.3 Out of 10

jared-leto-guy-gay

We got a lot of flak here at Laughng Gas Online for stepping on the non-gay heart and penis of your beloved Jared Leto, but come on, we kinda had to.

It’s like what all those people said about the lead singer of AFI, Davey Havok (love the guy) being gay, simply because he wore a ton of make-up (eye-liner, too, mind you), and didn’t eat meat.

That doesn’t make a dude a fruit-cake. Well, it might, but we’re not so easily jumping to conclusions. No, instead, we actually went a step further to uncover evidence as to why we initially joked over Leto’s sexuality.

Are we saying the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars is a straight-up homo? Not in the least. However, we’re are alluding to the fact that, despite his actual sexual orientation, he has more than enough “I’m totally gay” qualifications.

Read on for random, ill-prepared speculation:

He’s a rock star. Look at all of the flamboyant rock stars in our day, and tell me they aren’t totally gay. I’m not saying they pound dude’s where the sun don’t shine. Being gay means more than just doing “it”.

Look at David Lee Roth, David Bowie, Rod Stewart, the Backstreet Boys, and even N’Sync. Lance Bass, sit back down. While Bass is the only full-blown gay that we can be sure of, there have been countless rumors over the years that Bowie and Stewart had unusual sexual experience, and well, the boy bands speak for themselves.

As for David Lee Roth…well, he’s just a creepy mother fucker. When you do that many drugs, wear colorful spandex, and jump all around stage, you’re kind of screaming it, wouldn’t you say?

roth gay

Leto may not be to Roth’s level (yet), but we digress. Read on.

The hair. Oh, my God, the hair. I know rock stars have to go “all out” when it comes to their appearance, but Leto is in a league of his own. It’s either got a weird, flairy twist to it, or it has odd, emo colors. Exhibit A:

leto hair 2

This picture doesn’t render him totally gay. More emo, actually. And as much as I hate to admit it, that awesome lazy beard kinda saves him. But this next one, there is no excuse for:

leto hair 1

Totally gay. You really can’t get much gayer than that. Leto looks like Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago. Just look below:

catherine-zeta-jones

He said he was gay. He was joking, supposedly, but it was his own mouth that spawned the topic.

He promotes gay marriage. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” (Thank you, Seinfeld). And really, he’s just being cool, liberal dude. That’s the rock star in him expressing his views and trying to better the world through his power and celebrity status. Or he just wants to marry a dude. There’s always that inevitable or, isn’t there?

So there. Is Jared Leto gay? Probably not. But he damn sure fits the profile.

Official LGO Gayness Rating: 9.3 (Out of 10) Don’t ask how we computed that. You really don’t want to know.

Goat Molests Farmer, Not Sorry

goat

Come on, guys. I’m tellin’ ya, you got the wrong goat.

Yeah, I was feeding on Mr. Dudkins grass, but I wasn’t the one digging in his trousers the other night. I don’t rape. Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve never fooled around before, but I don’t force myself on anyone…or anything. Continue reading

Jared Leto: Gay-est of Non-Gays?

We regret to inform “All the Single Ladies” out there, but Jared Leto is gay. Like, really, really gay. He’s got his hair flared-up. He’s wearing sunglasses without the full tint, and he’s wearing leather. On a regular day, in the summer, he’s wearing leather. Come to think of it when is Leto not wearing leather?

jared leto gay

However, there still is no actual “proof” that Leto likes the cock as much as, say, Lindsay Lohan, Cameron Diaz, or even Tila Tequila (although he dated them all), but we’re on to him.

But why do we even begin to think this, you ask? Well, we answer that with another question: What’s gay-er than gay? I mean, short of naming your emo rock band 30 Seconds to Mars.

How about firing your band team management a month before you release your new album? With a tour in the work, Leto went balls-out into an “I’m the boss” tirade, citing artistical difference (he actually didn’t cite anything. we’re just saying that.), and complaining about the direction and focus of the CD.

I know, I know, we’re not actually talking about the whole gay thing. Well, before we just always thought he was a beautiful little actor who also jumped around in front of his playful, wrist-cutting band. But after being made aware of the fact that he once said he was “Gay as a goose”, we just had to take it one step further.

So, no, we don’t have any concrete evidence. But we get a feeling this guy will uncover the truth:

caruso

This was the last thing Leto had up his ass.

(Editor’s Note: We doubt Leto is actually gay. But it’s funny to ponder about it.)