Hey Old Guy At Work, Enough With The Cliche’s

old guy fiving advice

(Above: Eating it too fast will give you an “ice” head-ache.)

Listen Jack, I know you’ve been around for awhile, and I know you’re “the shit” and all, but this current onslaught of over-used expressions has got to stop.

I know I’m the only one speaking up, but I’m damn-sure not the only one thinking it.

I just would like to formally respond to your daily questions:

Yes, I am “hard at work”, and no, I am not “hardly working”.

Believe it or not, I get paid to be here, not listen to whiskey-breathed fucks tell me I’m a slacker, when they’re walking around doing less than me, handing out jackass quotes every five minutes.

I need a break from it.

I’m gonna level with you; I’m not “having fun yet.” and I probably never will be.

I think it’s safe to say that since we’re both at a place of employment we hate, doing things we loathe, that I am not currently having fun, about to have fun, or see the idea of fun being had coming to life anytime soon.

Give me some nails, a knife, a gun. Then ask me that question.

Those new-found tools you will have just given me will then be put to good use, and you will then have your answer.

Until that happens, the answer is no. I am having, quite possibly, the least amount of funny one could possibly have.

Also, on the rare occasion that I take a step out of my “I hate the world and this job” mood, and ask you how it’s going, I’d prefer to not hear this:

Same shit, different day.

I am well aware that our job as grocery store stockers is repetitive and boring, hence the “same shit”.

I am also extremely aware that today is today, isn’t tomorrow, and then since time continues to move forward, could not be yesterday.

I’m here to tell you, that as clever and enlightening as you appear to believe your comments are, that you’re going senile, even though I’m guessing you’re not much past 30.

You’re losing it, dude, and you’re slowly taking me with you.

So, instead of sitting idly by while you turn my mind to mush with these terrible, terrible lines, this is my warning-my attempt at saving you, myself, and any other unlucky bastard that crosses paths with you at the workplace.

Stop talking like a dumbass, and come up with something interesting to say besides “It’s a hot one” or “Hangin’ in there”.

Because if you don’t, I might have to bring my own cliche quote to life, and “beat the living shit out of you.”

I realize your shit is not literally alive, and that it would be an incredible task to beat it out of you. Still, if your idiocracy ensues, it will be something I am totally down for trying.


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