Don’t Mind Me, Mr. Burglar

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(Above: Hey, jackass, the door’s unlocked.)

Oh, hey there, guy behind my door.

That’s a super scary black mask ya got there. No, no, believe me I am frightened. Your swiss army knife, too. Yes, very afraid…am..I.

You’re convincing, and I get it. You want all my money, my TV, and maybe a quick, solid rape session.

Ehh. I’m just not in the mood. Maybe another night. Well, a complete no on the whole “rape” thing, but honestly, come back in like two days, and you can have a free-for-all on my TV and non-expensive shit.

That will give me a couple of days to clear out my schedule, which will allow me the time needed to deal with your ridiculous attempt at robbing my shitty retro apartment.

There’s mold on the ceiling, bro. How much shit could I possibly have that’s worth stealing?

And stop trying to talk like Clint Eastwood. Contrary to popular belief, that voice isn’t scary. It’s just damned annoying.

I mean, seriously, are you okay? Did you eat some extremely dry nuts or drink a liter of scotch?

Did somebody light some barkĀ  on fire and force feed it to you?

The point is, it’s been a long day, man. I really just want to put my feet up, watch some highlights, and jack my shit. Just real quick, get the fuck out of my house.

Don’t worry, I’m not mad. Really, I’m not. This is actually unbelievably exciting.

However, I’m so drained from work and expressing myself to you up to this point just how tired I am. Now I am literally too tired to protest this robbery any further.

So, rape aside, do what you will, fair friend. I’m gonna go take a shit.

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